February 15, 2005

UPS WTF?!: In which the boys in brown declare war on me

The following is a new tale of woe for those who have been following the continuing misadventures of the Bridesmaid Dress of Infinite Plunges.

Friday I came home from work to find the most annoying piece of paper stuck to my door. Yes, dear friends, it was a note from the UPS folks saying they had missed me (imagine that-in the middle of the day!) and would not relinquish the Dress of Most Unfortunate Design to me until I signed for it in person. Next delivery attempt? Between 2 and 5 p.m. on Monday. Of course, because everyone is apt to be hanging about the house between 2 and 5 on a Monday! Heaving a great sigh of resignation I decided I would simply have to take the second half of Monday off. OK. So Monday I arrived home at 1:30 p.m. and began my UPS vigil. I waited. And waited. Then, at last, the door buzzer! Hitting the door-open buzzer and racing down the stairs at breakneck speed I arrived just in time to see a package hurled into the inner doorway. Not from UPS and certainly not dress sized (especially not my dress size). I trudged upstairs with the package, which turned out to be three cans of Pibb Xtra for Larry (thanks, Dad). I resumed my vigil.

I became very drowsy but knew I couldn’t give in to my sleepiness lest I miss the UPS driver. Catching a UPS driver, you see, is very much like catching a leprechaun or seeing Haley’s comet: you’re lucky if you get even one chance. Some cheese and crackers later and the buzzer! Again I hit the open button and charged down the stairs only to fling the door open and find…some totally random dude. Apparently he was there to box up the first floor apartment of the building’s previous owner (now deceased for some time) but he couldn’t get his key to work. Not surprising since I can barely get in myself most days, but that’s another story. So I put on the brave face (no problem, sir, I love running up and down the stairs at all hours of the day) and climbed back up to continue waiting. And waiting. And waiting…

At 5 p.m. I said to myself, “What in the name of all things holy? Heads are gonna’ roll!” Obviously I had been outmaneuvered again and UPS must have arrived earlier than anticipated and left with the Dress of Ultimate Exposure. So I decided to track my package online using the number on the infamous Friday afternoon non-delivery slip. So I tracked the Dress of Doom, fully expecting it to be safely nestled back at the UPS lair, but instead I see: Status-Delivered, Signed for by COHEN. ~blink, blink~ Uhhhh…whaaaaa’? A pause to digest this and then I believe I yelled something to the effect of, “What the FUCK?!?!?” So I ran downstairs (though I might have strolled at this point) and there, sitting in the outer entryway, was the Dress to End All Dresses. Huh. I called Larry. He hadn’t signed for it. There is no other Cohen in the building. In fact, at that hour there probably wasn’t another living soul in the building. And UPS never so much as touched the buzzer for my apartment. This leads me to the following possible conclusions:

1) UPS are a bunch of wankers who fake signatures and toy with their customers mercilessly.

2) The ghost of the dead building owner, disturbed by the presence of a stranger in his apartment, was hanging about in the entryway and figured he may as well sign for my package assuming I wouldn’t be home to do it myself.

3) Larry signed for it and is trying to drive me mad like Charles Boyer did to Ingrid Bergman in Gaslight.

4) A future me traveled back in time to ensure that the dress was delivered, signed for it, but hated me so much she didn’t bother to ring me to let me know.

5) In a Donnie Darko-esque schizophrenic daze I actually signed for the package myself and then left it in the entryway, perhaps hoping it would be stolen thereby freeing me from any obligation to wear the Dress of Sincerest Unflattery.]

posted under Rants | 1 Comment »
February 11, 2005

Flying boobies!: Weighing the pros and cons of Hooters Air

We were recently booking our flight to Courtney’s wedding and while looking for the best price, Larry decided to check out Hooters Air (yeah, because he was looking for a good deal). The Hooters Air Web site lists the advantages of flying the Hooters airline (below in bold). My thoughts are in italics:

Captain Boobsie McZoomerfanny

ADVANTAGES TO FLYING HOOTERS AIR:
• Easy to buy! Fun to fly! That remains to be seen.

Non stop jet service! All Boeing fleet! So we are meant to be impressed that the Hooters girls won’t be picking us up in a crop duster?

One-Way Fares Unless you’re planning on dying from syphilis while on your fabulous Myrtle Beach vacation, I’m thinkin’ round trip might actually be the way to go.

No advance purchase requirements I sense the presence of fine print somewhere…

No Saturday night stay requirements – travel when you want!  *squeal of glee* You mean I get to fly when I want to? Just because I’m paying you? You can’t force me to fly against my will? Golly gee! Communism really is dead!!! God bless America and Hooters Air!

Extra leg room! There’s a room for storing extra legs? Well that’s just creepy…

Real food on most flights! Plastic food on all other flights! Suckers!

One class configuration in the cabin – We call it Club Class! Otherwise known as “Even Crappier Than Coach Class”

All leather seats I won’t argue with this one, though the cows might.

The best customer service! As compared to what? How can they guarantee this? Do we get lap dances from Jon Stewart?

The same great flight crews plus two Hooters Girls on every flight! I’m not sure how to read this. The same flight crew on every Hooters flight? Cuz they have got to get tired. I don’t want to entrust my life to a sleep-deprived crew. As for the two Hooters girls, damn it, we should each get our own personal Hooters girl!

A great experience that enlivens the senses and puts the fun back in flying! “enlivens the senses” Stop and think about how much you want to be stuck thousands of miles above earth in a metal container full of horny men with “enlivened senses.” With that tasty mental image may I also remind you that smell is one of the senses that you might risk having enlivened. Thank you, but I think I Iike my senses just fine as they are. As for fun, between the possibility of fake food, a cracked out crew, a room full of severed legs, and the prospect of being abandoned at my destination with no hope of return, Hooters Air sounds less fun than having a bitter ex give me a root canal while a thousand screaming clowns poke me with sticks.

Ooh! But there are leather seats! Well…draw your own conclusions. ]

February 8, 2005

Damn Fine Cup of Coffee!: A little Twin Peaks love for y’all

Hiya' boys!Why haven’t I posted in a while? Simple, I’ve been doing important things, like watching Twin Peaks. Having just this moment watched the infamous final episode (How’s Annie?) I find myself somewhat speechless. I’ve spoken to several of you during this mini marathon and you’ve all, to my surprise, said, “Oh, Twin Peaks! I love it! I wish I was watching it with you!” So I put together this half-assed little walk down Twin Peaks memory lane just for you.

I’ll start you all off with the joke Coop told Annie: Two penguins were walking across an iceberg. One penguin turned to the second penguin and said, “You look like you’re wearing a tuxedo.” And the second penguin said, “Maybe I am.”

To remind us all why James and Donna suck so much:

James: When’d you start smokin’?

Donna: I smoke every once in a while. Helps relieve tension.

James: When’d you get so tense?

Donna: When I started smokin’.

Idiots!

Why we love Sheriff Truman and the Log Lady:

Log Lady: Shut your eyes and you’ll burst into flames.

Truman: Thanks, Margaret.

Other fun quotables:

Gordon Cole: “COOP, YOU REMIND ME TODAY OF A SMALL, MEXICAN CHIHUAHUA!”

Sarah Palmer: “I miss her so much. I miss her so much! I miss her so much!!!”

Pete: “There was a fish… in the percolator!”

Cooper: “Diane, I’m holding in my hand a small box of chocolate bunnies.”

Pete: “She’s dead… wrapped in plastic!”

Ben Horn: “Sometimes the urge to do bad is nearly overpowering.” Mmmm!

Denise (David Duchovny): “Pleasure to meet you sheriff. Mmm.”

Audrey: “Do your palms ever itch?”

Some Other Good Times:

-Sheriff Truman eats the whole donut in one bite.

-The first time we see David Duchovny’s character (and realize he is prettier than us).

-Agent Cooper’s glee over Douglas Firs, cherry pie and coffee.

-When Albert (snarky until this point) tells Harry that he loves him.

The Norwegians are leaving!-When James finally leaves town!

-The first time Cooper meets Audrey (“…just as long as those grapefruit… are freshly squeezed.”)
And there ya’ have it. Makes you just want to run right out and watch the whole series again, doesn’t it? ]