We were recently booking our flight to Courtney’s wedding and while looking for the best price, Larry decided to check out Hooters Air (yeah, because he was looking for a good deal). The Hooters Air Web site lists the advantages of flying the Hooters airline (below in bold). My thoughts are in italics:

ADVANTAGES TO FLYING HOOTERS AIR:
• Easy to buy! Fun to fly! That remains to be seen.

• Non stop jet service! All Boeing fleet! So we are meant to be impressed that the Hooters girls won’t be picking us up in a crop duster?

• One-Way Fares Unless you’re planning on dying from syphilis while on your fabulous Myrtle Beach vacation, I’m thinkin’ round trip might actually be the way to go.

• No advance purchase requirements I sense the presence of fine print somewhere…

• No Saturday night stay requirements – travel when you want!  *squeal of glee* You mean I get to fly when I want to? Just because I’m paying you? You can’t force me to fly against my will? Golly gee! Communism really is dead!!! God bless America and Hooters Air!

• Extra leg room! There’s a room for storing extra legs? Well that’s just creepy…

• Real food on most flights! Plastic food on all other flights! Suckers!

• One class configuration in the cabin – We call it Club Class! Otherwise known as “Even Crappier Than Coach Class”

• All leather seats I won’t argue with this one, though the cows might.

• The best customer service! As compared to what? How can they guarantee this? Do we get lap dances from Jon Stewart?

• The same great flight crews plus two Hooters Girls on every flight! I’m not sure how to read this. The same flight crew on every Hooters flight? Cuz they have got to get tired. I don’t want to entrust my life to a sleep-deprived crew. As for the two Hooters girls, damn it, we should each get our own personal Hooters girl!

• A great experience that enlivens the senses and puts the fun back in flying! “enlivens the senses” Stop and think about how much you want to be stuck thousands of miles above earth in a metal container full of horny men with “enlivened senses.” With that tasty mental image may I also remind you that smell is one of the senses that you might risk having enlivened. Thank you, but I think I Iike my senses just fine as they are. As for fun, between the possibility of fake food, a cracked out crew, a room full of severed legs, and the prospect of being abandoned at my destination with no hope of return, Hooters Air sounds less fun than having a bitter ex give me a root canal while a thousand screaming clowns poke me with sticks.

Ooh! But there are leather seats! Well…draw your own conclusions. ]

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