March 15, 2005

Wedding Weekend Recap Part 1: It’s a bird; it’s a plane; it’s…a weenie toaster?

Thursday at 10:10 a.m. I was already flying high even though our plane was
still on the ground. Larry and I were seated on our United flight waiting to
take off. I knew my back was going to be trouble on the long flight so I had
taken my prescribed Percocet and Valium combo with a bagel and apple juice.

Midway through the safety video the mix really started to kick in. A sample
from the journal I was writing in at the time: “My back really hurts but
luckily I just can’t seem to care. I was looking in the Sky Mall catalog and they had this pop-up hot dog cooker, like a toaster for weenies and buns! Bloody brilliant!” So that should give you a sense of my overall mindset. A little before takeoff I started to feel kind of sick to my stomach and the takeoff itself was pretty bumpy. Three minutes after we left the ground I puked in an air sickness bag for the first time in my life.

No one noticed except Larry, but I was humiliated and felt like death warmed
over. By 11:35 I had puked for the third time (the second two were in the airplane restroom) and was now seated in the aisle seat praying to just die and get it over with. Every flight attendant on board knew I was sick and kept trying to give me ginger ale or water. I must have been extra pale and glazed because anyone who saw me looked frightened.

At 1:05 we landed at Chicago O’Hare and I was starting to feel a bit better. The flight attendants had offered to get me a wheel chair but I escaped before they caught me. O’Hare is a weird airport. They had a full-sized dinosaur skeleton replica in one area. More spectacular was the insano underground bit with a moving walkway, which looked extra freaky to my addled brain. It’s kind of dark with all this rainbow neon stuff on the ceiling and alternating glowy pastel blocks on the walls. There was this crazy tinging new-agey music and the only thing missing was a generic 1950’s narrator saying, “The future…it’s closer than you think,” or some such nonsense.

The second leg of the journey turned out to be, if you can believe this, worse.
The mean old man in the aisle seat wouldn’t trade spots with me even though
Larry explained I was really sick. I decided to puke on him if it became necessary.

This flight had the worst turbulence I’d ever experienced and I spent
the last half of the flight with my hands clapped over my mouth, determined
not to puke in another bag. The minute we got off the plane in Kansas City I
went straight to the restroom and as soon as it sounded pretty empty I puked
for the fourth and last time that day. ]

Stay Tuned for Part Two of the Wedding Weekend Recap

Featuring a pizza buffet, feather boas, drunken bridesmaids, and a Dance Dance Revolution!

Coming soon…

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