September 1, 2005

Fanta’s Shocker: In which I uncover truth so real it’s probably fake
by docsmartypants

I was reading earlier this evening and I came across an urban legend I had never heard before: Fanta was invented by Nazis. Now this rumor is patently absurd and has been proven false by the good people at Snopes, so don’t you worry. (read the full story)

True, Fanta was created by a German-born Nazi-era Coca-Cola man, but not at the request of the Third Reich (who probably thought soda would rot their perfect Aryan teeth). Rest assured there is nothing inherently evil about the origins of Fanta soda. But the tale doesn’t end there, oh no.

Contrary to popular belief, Hitler survived the war and has spent the ensuing years living in an underground bunker, collaborating with Satan and the Easter Bunny to have his revenge on America. And as can plainly be seen today on billboards and in theaters across the country, his sinister plan has finally been realized.

Evil plan

That’s right, the Fanta girls.

Absurd? Paranoid? How else can you explain what may be the single most painful advertising campaign in American history. Nobody who actually had an ounce of respect for the American public would have subjected us to what is, let’s face it, low-level torture. This is obviously the work of a madman! (See photo evidence below: Hitler, Satan, and the Easter Bunny discuss the campaign with their advertising executive Phil.)

Evil at work

Now I know what some of you are thinking, “What’s Doc Smartypants’s deal with soft drinks? First Moxie, now Fanta, what’s next?” But let me just point out that while Moxie remains to this day the most heinous and vile-tasting beverage on Earth, its marketing campaign was in no way conceived of by Nazis or giant rabbits.]

p.s. Dear Fanta, please don’t sue me.

posted under Rants
2 Comments to

“Fanta’s Shocker: In which I uncover truth so real it’s probably fake”

  1. On September 28th, 2005 at 7:46 pm Momma Says:

    I read with delight the first truly intelligent and insightful investigative reporting since Herr Bush took office. However, I suspect that the photo was cleverly cropped to keep Karl Rove’s face out of it. (Yes, please, keep Karl Rove’s face out of everything. Gagging sounds.)While I agree that this evil marketing carries the mark of the Beast, I would point out that it in no way competes with Sleep Country USA (why buy a mattress anywhere else……..) Oh, the humanity!

  2. On September 28th, 2005 at 11:37 pm docsmartypants Says:

    Actually, as far as insidious jingles go I’d have to say the folks at Empire win. I know their phone number by heart for heaven sake!!! I know I’m not the only one they’ve brainwashed as I’ve seen a room full of people suddenly start singing along when the commercial comes on. And I am absolutely terrified of the new Burger King commercials with the scary plastic king. As far as I’m concerned, civilization as we know it has ended.

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