October 1, 2005

Just like a fairytale: Except not at all
by docsmartypants

In a bizarre parallel with Disney’s so-charming-it-could-be-lethal “Princess
Diaries,” I discovered to my great surprise this morning that I am a bona fide princess. Who knew? Babette Cole it would seem as she’s written a book about it: Princess Smartypants.

Now if I’d known that I would someday rule a country (one, apparently, where they ride around on motorcycles with crocodiles) I might not have spent the better part of my 20s getting my doctorate in Snarkology and Lobotomology at Spankytown University, my alma mater. But be that as it may, I know now, and I intend to rule my realm with an iron fist.

Among my first proclamations:

1. Henceforth, all crocodiles must wear protective helmets when riding motorcycles.

2. As Dr Pepper does make the world taste better, it shall be available in all establishments that offer beverages. Pibb Xtra is not an acceptable substitute.

3. Jon Stewart shall be my prince–no arguments.

4. The new national anthem shall be the theme song from “The Jeffersons” because if I have to have it stuck in my head all the time then so should everyone else.

5. To hell with the natural balance; I want armadillos, wombats, badgers, and platypuses to run wild in my country. And I want citrus trees. And no spiders.

6. Ultra-low-rise pants will not be sold or worn in my country. In fact, better just ban Abercrombie & Fitch altogether.

7. New holidays: John Cusack Day, Marshmallow Fluff Day, and all Wednesdays (so people will be sure to be home in time to watch “Lost”).

8. As our first act of aggression, Smartypantslandia will declare war on George W. Bush. Not America—just Bush. The entire military force of Smartypantslandia (which I’m guessing is just me and a bunch of Harley-riding crocodiles) will descend on the White House, stick George’s head in the toilet, and give him swirlies until he agrees to stop being an idiot.

That’s all I’ve got for now. I was really nervous about being royalty at first, but now I’m feeling pretty good about it. I’ll be sure to invite you all to my coronation.

posted under Miscellaneous
4 Comments to

“Just like a fairytale: Except not at all”

  1. On October 1st, 2005 at 11:12 am Lady Erin Says:

    So does that make me some member of the royal court?

    I would also like to make sure that as part of your reign scientists immediately begin working on a way to miniaturize zoo animals… dammit I still want penguins and polar bears in my freezer.

  2. On October 2nd, 2005 at 4:26 pm docsmartypants Says:

    My group of scientists at Spankytown University has ben working on the mini elephant for years. As soon as that’s perfected I’ll get them straight to work on your freezer critters. And as for you being a member of court, I hereby declare you to be Erin, Duchess of Divine Divinity and Ruler of the Eight Realms of Outer Snarkiness. Good?

  3. On October 4th, 2005 at 2:06 pm the Queen Mother Says:

    Oh the power! Does that make Larry the Royal Consort? And Buster the feline-in-waiting? Or, since he’s male, the Duke of Brownlitter? Surely this entitles us to lavish accomodations on Beacon Hill- perhaps next to the Kerry’s modest bungalow- appropriate to our new status and at (of course) the public expense. And since Jon Stewart is taken, may I respectfully reserve Daniel Day Lewis or Richard Gere (Love how he moves in Shall We Dance)as my Captain of the (tee hee) Horse. Excuse me, I think I’ll go shopping.

  4. On October 9th, 2005 at 11:07 pm docsmartypants Says:

    You may certainly, as the royal mother, have Daniel Day Lewis. It’s the least I can do. And you can have Kerry’s place; he’s never there anyway.

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