September 1, 2005

Fanta’s Shocker: In which I uncover truth so real it’s probably fake

I was reading earlier this evening and I came across an urban legend I had never heard before: Fanta was invented by Nazis. Now this rumor is patently absurd and has been proven false by the good people at Snopes, so don’t you worry. (read the full story)

True, Fanta was created by a German-born Nazi-era Coca-Cola man, but not at the request of the Third Reich (who probably thought soda would rot their perfect Aryan teeth). Rest assured there is nothing inherently evil about the origins of Fanta soda. But the tale doesn’t end there, oh no.

Contrary to popular belief, Hitler survived the war and has spent the ensuing years living in an underground bunker, collaborating with Satan and the Easter Bunny to have his revenge on America. And as can plainly be seen today on billboards and in theaters across the country, his sinister plan has finally been realized.

Evil plan

That’s right, the Fanta girls.

Absurd? Paranoid? How else can you explain what may be the single most painful advertising campaign in American history. Nobody who actually had an ounce of respect for the American public would have subjected us to what is, let’s face it, low-level torture. This is obviously the work of a madman! (See photo evidence below: Hitler, Satan, and the Easter Bunny discuss the campaign with their advertising executive Phil.)

Evil at work

Now I know what some of you are thinking, “What’s Doc Smartypants’s deal with soft drinks? First Moxie, now Fanta, what’s next?” But let me just point out that while Moxie remains to this day the most heinous and vile-tasting beverage on Earth, its marketing campaign was in no way conceived of by Nazis or giant rabbits.]

p.s. Dear Fanta, please don’t sue me.

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